Dating App Observations

A purely scientific review

Source: Wikimedia Commons

No one could have foretold that the saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,” would one day apply to dating apps. In fact, this is their target audience. Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but that sea is actually a cesspool.

Case in point:

— Why you frowning at me like that? Your profile photo looks like a prison mugshot.
 —  Why are you taking selfies while driving? Don’t you have anyone at all who cares about you enough to take a decent photo for your profile?
 —  Why are these photos so grainy? Even the most basic smart phone takes clear photos!
 — Who is that woman next to you? Sure, her face is scribbled out, but I want to know who is she to you?
 —  You claim that after work you can be found at the gym. Not in a relationship with me, you won’t. You’re gonna prioritize time with me. You can work out while I’m sleeping.
 — You claim to be 45, but you look 55. Why the gray hair and battered face? Is it all those jars you had to open?

Things I don’t want to see:

— Your shirtless workout at the gym. (whutevs)
— The fish you caught. (you’re cool!)
 —  You smoking a cigar. (so cool!)
 — You pointing at your bros. (probably the coolest!)
 — You making out with your dog. (and you plan to kiss me with that mouth??)
 — You holding a huge hunk of meat, Fred Flintstone-style (blech!)
 — You holding a gun (WTF?)
 —  You lying in bed shirtless looking at the camera with bedroom eyes. (cool your jets — we haven’t even met yet!)

If I had a dollar for every profile photo I’ve seen with some variation of these components, I’d be a millionaire and could buy myself a quality mate instead of wasting time on these dreadful dating apps.

Things I don’t want to hear:

— “Hi, pretty lady.” (catfishing) 
— “God gave you a perfect face. Is it ok if I like your eyes?” (serial killer)
— “Let’s get kinky!” (nah)
 —  “I’m ethically non-monogamous!” (slut)

Once you weed out all the fake profiles and every guy with missing teeth, a snaggle tooth, over-eager chest hair, man boobs, beer belly, face tattoo, gold medallion, pinkie ring, or who is roided out, it leaves one man. And he lives 3,000 miles away.


The dating app for settling

Source: Wikimedia Commons

“You’ve searched for the best! Now try the rest!”

When you’re ready to settle down, you have to settle. Because all the best ones are already taken already.

It’s finally time to accept a date with that guy who is shirtless in his profile photo, standing by the weight set at a gym, smoking a cigar, pointing at his bros, and holding a fish he caught.

Don’t be discouraged by the algorithm’s estimate of there being only a 5% relevant match between you and New Beau — the bare minimum based on the fact that you’re both human. Over time you’ll learn to accept each other’s flaws. 

His profile may say things like, “I don’t date no fat chicks,” or “what’s your bank account number?” You may get the impression that he cares more about hanging out at a sports bar with his bros than spending quality time with a significant other. You may find his casual wardrobe lacking. You may feel like smacking that smug, carefree half grin off his face. 

But look at the bright side — you’ll have a date to your cousin’s wedding. Someone to open jars for you and smash house spiders into oblivion. New Beau can hold your hair back while you vomit into the toilet after binge drinking. (Oh, who are we kidding — you’ll be holding his hair back while he’s vomiting.)

We stand behind our guarantee that someone is better than no one. So, give us a try! You may be pleasantly surprised. At the very least, it’ll give your fingers something to do as you swipe left when you don’t have anything better going on.