Dating App Observations

A purely scientific review

Source: Wikimedia Commons

No one could have foretold that the saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,” would one day apply to dating apps. In fact, this is their target audience. Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but that sea is actually a cesspool.

Case in point:

— Why you frowning at me like that? Your profile photo looks like a prison mugshot.
 —  Why are you taking selfies while driving? Don’t you have anyone at all who cares about you enough to take a decent photo for your profile?
 —  Why are these photos so grainy? Even the most basic smart phone takes clear photos!
 — Who is that woman next to you? Sure, her face is scribbled out, but I want to know who is she to you?
 —  You claim that after work you can be found at the gym. Not in a relationship with me, you won’t. You’re gonna prioritize time with me. You can work out while I’m sleeping.
 — You claim to be 45, but you look 55. Why the gray hair and battered face? Is it all those jars you had to open?

Things I don’t want to see:

— Your shirtless workout at the gym. (whutevs)
— The fish you caught. (you’re cool!)
 —  You smoking a cigar. (so cool!)
 — You pointing at your bros. (probably the coolest!)
 — You making out with your dog. (and you plan to kiss me with that mouth??)
 — You holding a huge hunk of meat, Fred Flintstone-style (blech!)
 — You holding a gun (WTF?)
 —  You lying in bed shirtless looking at the camera with bedroom eyes. (cool your jets — we haven’t even met yet!)

If I had a dollar for every profile photo I’ve seen with some variation of these components, I’d be a millionaire and could buy myself a quality mate instead of wasting time on these dreadful dating apps.

Things I don’t want to hear:

— “Hi, pretty lady.” (catfishing) 
— “God gave you a perfect face. Is it ok if I like your eyes?” (serial killer)
— “Let’s get kinky!” (nah)
 —  “I’m ethically non-monogamous!” (slut)

Once you weed out all the fake profiles and every guy with missing teeth, a snaggle tooth, over-eager chest hair, man boobs, beer belly, face tattoo, gold medallion, pinkie ring, or who is roided out, it leaves one man. And he lives 3,000 miles away.