Creepy Crawlies

Source: Wikimedia Commons

If you live in the burbs, you live with bugs.

When I resided on the 48th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, I saw nary a bug. Not so much as a spider hiding out in the corner. If I had ever actually seen a ladybug, I would have thrown it a miniature parade, for it would have been a hero making it up that high up in a such a densely populated city. The odds of its survival are something like .000000001%. [This is, of course, not taking into consideration the cockroach, which has a ratio of 125:1 human throughout the five boroughs.]

But in a house, it’s a different matter altogether. There is a Boschian nightmare of bugs swarming and storming my front door each night. I made the mistake of gazing out the window for too long one evening. All manner of insectum disgustum were gathered along the archway.

For a second, it appeared to be a super fun bug party. But then I got savvy to the particular movements of each bug, walking on their freakish stick legs at a New York City pace. I know that purposeful gait. They weren’t partying. Each bug was out to eat the next sized down bug. I didn’t stay to watch the carnage. I can’t bear how insects eat each other alive, gripping their writhing prey, using pincers to rip off chunks of exoskeleton and gooey thorax insides.

The circle of life is Hell, people!

Another unrelated idiosyncrasy to life in the suburbs is that the town dictates what you can and can’t put into the garbage. Your own garbage. For instance, you’re not allowed to dispose of leaf litter or broken branches in your garbage can. You’re supposed to pile it at the curb and live with this eyesore for a month until a specialized truck comes to pick it up.

But this is just going to attract more bugs. Piles of rotting plant matter are a haven for creepy crawlies.

To secretly dispose of your yard waste, I recommend layering it inside your garbage bag like a common serial killer. First, put your bathroom trash at the bottom, then a bit of yard waste, then your kitchen trash, then some more yard waste, and top it all off with dirty diapers or anything else disgusting enough to hide your clever workaround. You don’t want the town snitch snitching on you.

The circle of life is Hell, people!