Eating in bed and bombing onstage

Source: Wikimedia Commons

I just fulfilled my biggest bucket list item by trying standup comedy tonight at a club in NYC. I was second to last of approximately 25 comics. TJ Miller and Ronny Chieng were special guests. How do you follow them?

Several comics didn’t get laughs, so I guess I shouldn’t take it so hard that I didn’t either. I think my set on Y2K, eating in bed, and being over the hill were far too nerdy for the audience. Most comics talked about dating (complete with raunchy bedroom details), drugs, and drinking, so it’s no wonder I didn’t connect with the audience.

I got one solid laugh and one “Woo!” But mostly it was just crickets. Not sure exactly what I’ll change next time…except for all my material. The thing is, I’ve been married for 23 years and am not on social media, so I get the feeling I have very little in common with most people.

Here’s an excerpt from my set:

“My husband has a strict no food policy in the bedroom. I’m always so excited when he goes out of town on business. I feel like I’m cheating on him with snacks.

The second he’s gone, I’m in the kitchen putting together a smorgasbord. Then I’m under the covers in bed with my stack of waffles, topped with melted butter and syrup, and a mug of coffee in my other hand. I’m watching Netflix and spillin.’

I try to be sneaky about it, but I dropped the plastic cookie tray from a Tate’s bag between the mattress and headboard. (As an aside, Tate’s has finally got a vegan chocolate chip cookie and it is amazing!) Now I’ve got cookie crumbs scattered throughout my sheets, and worse, hard evidence that my husband will eventually find.

My favorite song is “Let’s all go to the lobby,” sung to you in movie theaters across America in the 1950’s by the snacks themselves. Who can deny singing, dancing snacks their simple request to go to the lobby? I’m the easily suggestible type – that jingle works on me every time.

To say I’m a “foodie” is understated. I’m ecstatic just thinking about what I’m going to eat for breakfast tomorrow. I wish every meal was breakfast. I want waffles, and bagels, and coffee all day long.

I was once talking to this woman who had a pet Griffin – it’s this little brown dog with a beard. Looks kind of like an Ewok. When the woman put doggie biscuits in front of her dog, he took a disinterested sniff, then turned his nose up in the air. She told me that he wasn’t “food motivated.” I was like, “That dog thinks he’s better than me!” And then, since he wasn’t gonna, I ate his biscuits.”

I only got halfway through this bit onstage, though, because I could tell it wasn’t landing. I’ll have to settle for being a comedian just for my own benefit, since I’m pretty good at making myself laugh. I guess that’s better than nothing.