The Arc of Joan’s Journey

A brief and somewhat accurate history lesson


In the 1400’s, teenaged Joan of Arc went before her king. 

“Your majesty, I’ve had visions,” she said. “I’m going to lead our troops to victory and secure your throne.” 

“Yes, yes,” said the king. “But tell me, Joan – are you a virgin?” 

“Yes, your majesty, I am.” 

And so, a determined Joan set off to cut her hair under a bowl as the men of her time did and donned men’s clothing. She went into battle with the soldiers. But the authorities, suspicious that Joan was just using this “divine vision” excuse as a means of getting around with hot soldiers, were oddly preoccupied with her sexual activities. 

After the first victory Joan reported back: “Your majesty, we’ve taken the East. Success is upon us!” 

“Yes, but are you still a virgin, Joan?” 

Next victory: “Your majesty, we’ve taken the North. Success is ours!” 

“Yes, but are you still a virgin, Joan?” 

It was said that Joan blended in with the soldiers so well they didn’t view her as a sexual conquest. But no one believed her. This poor young woman was forced to undergo the world’s first OBGYN appointment to confirm that her nether regions were in fact untouched.  

Here she was going into battle – a teenager, putting herself in harm’s way – for the good of her people. What did it matter what she did in bed? 

After Joan accomplished everything she had promised, she was put to death for heresy. 

“You can’t just go running around claiming to have visions. Even when those visions are accurate!” said the authorities. “Plus – we’re pretty sure you’ve been sleeping with those hot soldiers.”